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FNORD
- Monday, October 06, 2008 -
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I have found Jesus!!!!Lets all Pray, that Jesus does not fail on his mission.....
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FNORD
- Thursday, March 20, 2008 -
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Le /sigh
So I had a pretty good day today, hung out with friends,
went out for lunch with Lily and all that. But by 5pm I started to feel pretty
depressed. I’m not sure why, or what caused me to feel bad, but I just feel bad
right now.
I kind of feel alone, unloved, like I annoy people. I know I
don’t but it just feels like I do. It probably comes from the fact that my self
esteem sucks. That I have a hard time sometime seeing why someone would like me
for me. I mean I know Ali loves me, and I’m
pretty sure Lilly likes me, but everyone else I don’t understand how they stand
me some times. I mean like I feel like I bug people when I talk about random
stuff, like I’m annoying them. I know Pauline has told me it doesn’t bug her,
and so have a few others when I ask, but I still feel like it does.
I don’t know I guess I’m just an emotional mess inside. And
that I’m just being to negative and need to work in improving my self esteem.
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FNORD
- Saturday, March 08, 2008 -
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I haven't been this depressed in a whileYa when it looks like when i get depressed i come back to my xanga to talk about it.
So i''m depressed. I am not sure why, it hit me about 30 or 45 mintues before Brain and i went to get Burritos for dinner on Thursday. Maybe it was a lack of sleep or not eating anything for like 12 hour but ya i got depressed. Food didn't help. And neither did class. My mom picks me up on Thursday and she in super bitch mood. Apperntly she went to McDonalds, and because my brother was done a little bit early she couldn't eat her food, and she won't eat it while she's driving and so she in a rage. Driving 10 or 20 miles over the speed limit, serving in an out of traffic, yelling about every little thing that might piss her off.
So i get home i'm depressed my mom is putting me down telling me i'm fat, that i should of gradated college by now. How i'm pretty much a waste of space and money. Which of course make me feel worse than i am. So i log online to see if Ali, Lily or Hayley are on cause i need someone to talk to as it one of the few thing that ever makes me feel better none of them are on so talk to Pauline, because for some reason i feel i can relate. Course i have Trust issuse so i have a hard time saying much other than my mom bring bitchy, but it at least made me feel a little better.
So this morning i wake up at 8 make brecfast and then prepare for my interview. While i am a little nervous i feel like i am going to do very well on it. He calls exactly at 10am. And we start the interview. He ask me about the Ruby project we are doing in class and i try to explain it but i had a hard time doing so. He then moved over to his question. I did pretty well on the Database and XML questions. He even joked that a lot of people have trouble on the database questions, which i found easy. I think i did pretty well on the python question. And then he asked me what the differnce between a Hash table and List was.
My brain died, i couldn't remember what a hashtable was. My mind just went blank so i said i didn't know. And he was like WOW you don't know... that sucked, totaly killed what ever bit of Ego i had left. We went on and i did ok on most of the other questions, i think. A few i didn't know a few i did and explained my logic. But i'm pretty sure i won't be getting this internship.
So for the rest of the day i felt pretty bad. I talked to Mary a few time and just feel like i was bugging her when i really probably wasn't. Though strangely she know my friend Pauline becasue her friend is friend with her boy friend and they've hung out once, or something like that. Which is weird for me since none of my high school friend knows any of my college friends. And i feel like i'm 2 differnet people between them. My college friends know me for who i really am. My high school friend know me as who i was when i was more worried about fitting in, and i still tend to act like i did in high school when i'm around them.
So that a little weird... But ya i'm pretty much depressed right now. I feel defeated. I want to sleep and not wake up, i kinda feel like i want to vomit as well even though i haven't eaten in about 8 or 9 hours.
Think i'm just going to OD (just 2 or 3 more than normal nothing that bad guys), on pain killers and just pass out and hope i feel better in the morning.
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FNORD
- Wednesday, February 13, 2008 -
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Good bye 4th Amendment The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses,
papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall
not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause,
supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place
to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Today Congress aproved Presidented wiretapping, and to give Amnesty to phone companies that help, and alows them to build wiretapping facilities for all phone and internet trafic, with out a warent.
Every Republican in the Senate and 17 Democrats vote yes. All of you should be ashamed of your self that you would pass a law that violates the constitution!
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FNORD
- Tuesday, February 12, 2008 -
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Who am i, and why am i here
Things I’ve realized about my self.
- I’ll
never be happy. I want too much. I want to do thing that are impossible. I
want to be a space ship captain. I want to have super powers. I want power
in general.
- I’ll
end up losing the girl by never telling her how I feel. She doesn’t know how
I feel because I am afraid to tell her. Because i can’t believe anyone
could like me. Why do I believe this, because I look at my self in the
mirror and I see that I am fat and can’t see anyone getting over that
fact.
- I care
about my friends. Which is find, but I care to the point were I will share
their pain, their joy, above my own feelings. If there happy and im not, I’ll
be happy because they are.
- I
think to much… I weigh every options before doing something….
I think I probably will be happier by my self though even
though I crave to be with people. I love being with people. I don’t know…
AND I AM NOT DEPRESSED. I know it totlay sound like a
depressing post I am not
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